Making Space

February 28, 2014

Unfortunately, one blog post a month is about all I can muster these days. This pregnancy hasn't been the easiest of times ... both my body and my mind have been kind of crazy. It's a good crazy, a "it will all be worth it in the end crazy" but crazy nonetheless. Every doctor's visit ends with "She's a big one!" which leads me to believe she will probably be as big as Henry's 9lb 6oz entry into the world ... or dare I say it - bigger. Both my mom and my husband were 9+lb babies, so genetically and historically I think I am pretty destined to have another big baby and another c-section. If only someone had warned me that my body generates toddlers at birth ...

So I guess my hormones are ramping up again in this third trimester because I've returned to all the crying. Yesterday after my doctor's appointment I was starving ... mainly because I was waiting on the doctor to finish a delivery and in two hours I ate all the snacks and the back up snacks in my purse. On the way home I was already teary, so I decided to stop at Chick-fil-A because I COULDN'T WAIT ANY LONGER (you mommas out there know what I mean), and I accidentally got in the wrong lane upon entrance. Now you know as well as I do that Chick-fil-A at 12:45 is a nightmare ... cars are full of hungry people everywhere, people are crossing traffic (either desperately lurching to get inside or happily sauntering out), employees are surveying the madness ... it's total chaos. And when a hormonal pregnant lady with mushy brains gets in the wrong lane, people are not happy. The lady beside me honked her horn loudly and firmly to protest my mistake, and I immediately turned to see her mouthing angry words and flailing her hands about and said, "I'm sorry!! I made a mistake!! I'm sorry!!" And then waterworks came ... I don't know if I was embarrassed or confused or frustrated or all of the above, but I do know that I was crying. a lot. We moved on, each in our individual lanes, and I hoped that she didn't allow my mistake to ruin her lunch.

The more I thought about it later, the more I realized how vulnerable I felt in that moment... and how vulnerable I feel. Just like being honked at in front of everyone, pregnancy is exposing ... strange people know something about me - something personal and emotional that I can't hide, something that I have fears and uncertainties about, something that is going to change my life significantly. And not only do these people know this thing about me, they always want to talk about it with me, too. With my tendency to hide, it's unnerving to be that exposed. I'm trying to live in the light, to live more freely, to live without fear ... so I let the tears come. I embrace them and listen to them.  In yoga we say to let the space around your heart be light. I would add to just let there be space ... for a big baby and for vulnerability and for being seen and for the tears that come with it all.

Those things are difficult to do, but all I can do is take each step one at a time. I hope you are making space for what you need too.

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